Happiness and Ethics

In process of redefining happiness, this post looks at ethics as one of the aspects connected to it.

Ethics is moral principles that define right and wrong. The norms are different, and they change depending on times, religion, culture, peer group and many other factors. Like the very ideas of “good” and “bad”, ethics is a relative notion. What is ethical for one is unacceptable for another (consider different ethical approaches to abortions, euthanasia, capital sentence, traditional vs. non-traditional family, and almost anything else). However, as imprecise as ethics is, it is in large part the reason behind our choices and actions – grand ones and everyday small ones. 

Behaving in the ethical way, being "good" is usually believed to be rewarded by being happy both during this life (when good triumphs over evil, everyone lives happily ever after) and in the afterlife (the concept of paradise). I will concentrate on the life as we know it - here and now.

There is also a reciprocal relationship - some philosophers assert that whatever makes you happy is by definition, ethical.

I believe that happiness is not directly related to morals, society norms or ethics, and being good does not necessarily mean being happy. Plenty of us have never killed, or stolen, or cheated on their spouses. It doesn't mean that we all are automatically happy people. 

Happiness can be found in exercising the moral virtues. But not necessarily. One can do good and not feel happy, or one may do bad and feel happy. It depends on what takes priority for each individual in case if a choice is required: doing the right thing or being happy.

This is not to say that we are released from any moral obligation and may run outside and wreck havoc. We still must behave ethically and in accordance with our conscience for the sake of doing the right thing. But it is useful to recognize what happiness is and what it is not, as well as what our priorities are.

Happiness comes from inside us. It is our reaction to ourselves, to our actions and to the outside world.  We are happy when we are content with what we do, even if it is not what is accepted by others. Happiness is being in peace with yourself, knowing, accepting and liking yourself. 

(art by NARUTODANINJA)

Contentment and Moderation: Building Blocks of Happiness

The root of happiness and its main ingredient is contentment - the peace of mind, the state of mental or emotional satisfaction, the willingness to accept present circumstances.

If we are not content with our lives, we cannot be happy. We may experience bursts of joy when something goes exceptionally well and think it is happiness. But unless we are content with ourselves and what we have, these bursts will not last for a long time. They will prove to be transient feelings of pleasure, not enduring state of our being.

Of course, our culture not only does not promote contentment, but scorns at it. We are conditioned to struggle for success, and what we have is never enough, as the sky is the limit. It seems strange not to want to have a bigger house, better salary, higher corporate position.

But if we step away from it all for a second, we may realize that what the society praises is, in essence, a rat race - exhausting, unremitting, and competitive activities that become our routines.

Seneca said "True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, ...to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing.” It is not easy to suddenly become satisfied with ourselves. But when we do, we'll be rewarded by serenity and happiness.

But if we take the notion of contentment to the extreme, what is to prevent people from laying in dirt under the blue skies, wanting nothing, doing nothing? (see related post Does Happiness Require Settling?)

That's where moderation comes in. As we may overdo the drive to succeed to ridiculous and sometimes dangerous levels, so we may overdo contentment in the pursuit of happiness. There is a fine line between being content and apathetic; between being motivated or excited and being unsatisfied, feeling like a failure.

Throughout the recorded history, human beings in general were never content. The mankind has been always struggling against the current conditions. We are constantly at war with some enemies for land, power, resources, differences in religious believes, etc. There seems to be some part of us that is just never content with our lot, whatever it is. I guess this is partially what drives the progress, but it also what keeps us unhappy.

It is important to recognize and acknowledge the importance of both contentment and moderation are, and to balance them out correctly; to have goals in life to aspire to, while being content with the present, and feeling happy with whatever we have.

Always remember:

Contentment is allowing the entire being to flow with the rhythms and harmonies of the universe;

Moderation is the golden mean that brings everything in equilibrium. 

Together, they are the way to happiness.

What Happiness Is Made Of

It is not happiness that makes us happy.

To make better sense of it, let's look at trees. They don't grow out of trees. They need roots, which don't look anything like the trees we see above the ground. The roots are hidden inside the soil and nourish every little leaf and flower above. Without the roots, trees do not exist.

Similarly, the feelings of elation, joy, delight and bliss that we call "happiness" do not produce themselves in the first place. These feelings are manifestations of something deeper, something more fundamental and important. Something that makes these happiness feelings possible.

The way to be happy is to find out what it is and to cultivate it.

Let's continue with the tree analogy. As long as we have the necessary roots, happiness will manifest differently for different people. There are hundreds of kinds of trees and as many ways happiness looks and feels to us. The stronger the roots, the more beautiful, healthy, strong, and grand the trees are.  And the bigger the greenery, the more vital oxygen the tree generates for those around it. Similarly, happy individuals spread positive energy for everyone around (but that depends of what kind of "tree" they are).

For the technology-inclined among us, let's consider what all the computer software is made of. Computer games do not beget games, neither do various computer programs, nor social networks, nor blogs like this one. All the abundance of it is made possible by ones and zeroes that we do not see, we do not feel, and most of us do not enjoy spending hours with. 

So what makes happiness possible? What are the very roots without which it does not flourish? They are Contentment and Moderation. These are the ones and zeroes, what's below the surface, what keeps us grounded and happy.

Contentment to enjoy what we have or don't have. Moderation to limit excessive or unachievable desires as well as to limit excessive contentment. 

When we are thinking of happiness, we may not come up with contentment and moderation. But when we have them at the core of our being, happiness will sprout and grow into something vital, beautiful and strong.

Happiness vs. Pleasure

One of the dictionary definitions of happiness is "pleasure" (www.dictionary.com) or "a pleasurable experience" (Merriam-Webster online dictionary). A lot of times, we substitute these two concepts one for another. Happiness is defined by feeling pleasure. And conversely, whatever brings us pleasure, makes us happy. It seems that pleasures are the stepping stones to happiness, and we are chasing pleasures believing that we are looking for happiness.

In fact, these two are not at all the same, and in our pursuit of happiness, we have to recognize their difference.

Let's consider everyday examples of what might bring us pleasure. To eat a good meal is a pleasure. To watch a movie. To enter air conditioned building on a hot day. But do these things make us happy? And I mean really happy - not feeling good for a while, but knowing that we are happy individuals? 

The Dalai Lama in his book "The Way to Freedom" writes that pleasure is replacing one kind of suffering by another kind of suffering. For example, you stand for a long time and you are tired, so when you sit down; it's a pleasure. But as you continue sitting down, you will find that you feel uncomfortable, and now you want to stand up, run a little, walk around. If you are hungry, to eat is a pleasure indeed. But if you keep eating past the point where you feel full, it will become unpleasant. When you are hot - you derive pleasure from cooling down. But you get cold in a while, and yearn for warmth. You get the idea. The pleasures we crave are actually the very beginnings of suffering of one kind or another. If we keep doing and doing the things that bring us pleasure, they will not be pleasurable for long. That proves the wisdom that everything is good in moderation only. That also contradicts the notion of lasting happiness. 

The other observation that helps distinguish happiness from pleasure is that pleasure is something that mostly comes from the outside sources. It's the food, the climate, the money, friends, technology etc. that bring us pleasure. And these pleasurable occurrences only bring us pleasure as they happen. As soon as  we do not get the next scheduled meal, enough money, or the friends leave, the pleasure rapidly subsides. Happiness is something that comes from within us. It is a lasting feeling that ideally does not depend on the food, the climate, the money, friends, technology, etc. 

Pleasures are fleeting, while happiness is a sustainable constant within us.

This is not to devalue pleasures. Truly, they are great! (Well, most of the time.) But we have to be able to clearly distinguish between the two ideas, and not mix one for the other. When we've separated the concepts of happiness and pleasure, we become one step closer to understanding what happiness is and what it consists of.

Why Happiness?

I am passionate about the subject of happiness. There was a time when I hardly ever thought about it - what is there to think about? It's all pretty clear - don't worry, be happy.

Recently I faced a challenge of teaching to my children how to be happy. That's when the questions started pouring in. Is it even possible to teach something like that or is it an inborn character trait? What exactly is happiness? If you are happy but don't recognize it, are you still happy? What makes us happy? Why some people achieved success in their lives, but feel empty inside? Why we may smile while something nice is happening and cry when it's over, immediately forgetting the nice part? How do you acquire the feeling of happiness and how do you make it last?

After some research, lots of reading and personal experience I came to a strong conclusion: Feeling happy is a skill, and it IS possible to learn. Not only it is possible, but it is quite necessary.

In fact, I realized it is a single most important skill for us to possess and to teach to our kids. Much more important that playing piano, or solving mathematical problems, or ballroom dancing. None of these skills by themselves will make us and our kids happy. And isn't it the ultimate goal in life - to be happy? 

In my research, I came across an article about schools in UK that incorporate "happiness curriculum" with their studies. I was very encouraged by it, and started looking for something similar for my kids.  However, there was nothing similar. It is not offered in schools, there are no afterschool activities that focus on happiness. There is an abundance of anything one can think of, but not this one single most important skill. 

That didn't make any sense to me.

Trying to rectify the situation, I resolved to create a Happiness Education program for kids myself. The more I was thinking about the happiness phenomenon, the more I noticed how the idea of "happiness" that is promoted in our culture has little to do with the actual feeling. That results in people chasing after the wrong thing, not really knowing what makes them happy. My goal was to look at the root of happiness and to empower kids to grow up with the understanding of it and the skills to achieve it. 

As I was discussing my ideas with friends, I noticed that adults are also in dire need of this program. That lead me to the idea that I should write a book about happiness intended to everyone. I will post parts of it in this blog.

I hope my convictions on the subject will help make all members of my family happier human beings, and I hope to take as many people along as possible. And I dare to hope that one not so far away day, the happiness subject will be included in all schools' curricula, making for a new, happier generation.