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Trying to make sense of life and to learn living it happily.

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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Choices: To What Extend Do They Define Happiness




art by ~EyesOfTheBeholderInc

My life.... My Choices...
~ Folk Wisdom

Our lives are defined by the choices we make.

Every day we are faced with a plethora of choices: obvious or unconscious, difficult or easy, important or insignificant, unnoticeably minute and life-changeably major. When I shop for a toothpaste, which one do I choose? When it is time to pick a major, which one do I choose? When proposed a hand in marriage, what do I do? When I crave chocolate, do I treat myself to a piece or abstain? When my daughter takes too long to do her homework, do I help her, let her do it at her own pace, or scold her for getting distracted? When I write this paragraph, do I list more examples, or get to the point?

Our actions are our choices carried out. And all our choices are based on our values and the place of happiness in our priorities.

We all know that we want to be happy. We want it for ourselves, our loved ones, and possibly for all.

However, rather often we knowingly choose to do things that do not make us happy, when we believe that these things take higher priority in life. When we are younger, we tend to concentrate on more palpable goals - fitting in with peers (and doing things that we would not want to do by ourselves), completing education (and stressing over grades and fees), getting a nice job (even if we find it unfulfilling), finding a spouse (or bearing the societal pressure to find one), having kids (and giving up a lot of freedom), saving up for some possessions (and denying self others), etc. Later, we may sacrifice our own happiness for our loved ones, for the call of duty, or out of fear to change anything. Or we may believe that we simply do not have another choice.

As we age, as we go through certain experiences and learn from them, as we become more established and secure, as be become wiser, our views about life priorities change.  We may place happiness higher on our priority list. Each one of us modifies our live views for different reasons. Some survived a life-threatening situation and realized that life is too short to be unhappy. Some have a pessimistic child and want to lead by example by embracing positive emotions. Some believe that being happy is the ultimate meaning of life. All of us have our own different reasons.

Changing priorities will affect the daily choices we make. We may decide that we care for our peace of mind more than for a successful career, or for judgment of others, etc. So we may forgo a promotion at work that entails long hours and more stress. Or decide to move from the city to the suburbs or vise versa. Or something else we would not dare do when we were younger.

art by ~Persephone842
Our choices are defined by the balance between our desire to be happy and doing what we currently believe is the best course of action. Unfortunately, it is impossible to always do only what we want. So we ascribe our unhappiness to less favorable choices we have to make. How can we be happy when we want to play outside and instead we have to study or work? When we want to read a book, and instead we have to do the dishes? When we want to devour a juicy hamburger, but we are told a carrot is a healthier choice?

The paradox of happiness is that even though we believe it depends on our choices, in the grand scheme of things it really does not. When we have to do something out of obligations, or pressure, or whatever circumstances, we are able to still be happy. We may not be happy with the circumstances, but we can learn to be content with ourselves in these circumstances.

The key is to remember that we still want to be happy, and choose to be happy instead of sulking or waiting it out. Like Abraham Lincoln said, people are as happy as they make their minds up to be.

Usually, we do not focus on desire to be happy, we just know it is true. So when we deal with the stress of everyday life, we oftentimes almost forget about it. We get into foul moods over small staff like traffic, or getting a stain on our cloths. Without noticing we concentrate on the routine, letting go of our overall intention to be happy.

Therefore, when we are presented with challenging choices and trying circumstances, it is very helpful to remember both the fact that we truly prefer to stay happy and the way we arrived to this conviction. As we recall the experiences and thoughts that shaped our determination to be happy, we will be able to cope with situation we view as negative.

For example, the next time we find ourselves in an unfavorable situation, we can say to ourselves, I want to be happy anyway, because life is short and I do not want to live it depressed. Or because everything is relative and nothing is as bad as it seems. Or (insert your own individual reason to continue to be happy).

We should clearly understand the reasons why we want to be happy - and not the general goodness reasons, but our personal, individual ones, the ones that convince us that happiness is a priority above some others. Then the circumstances will no longer hold such overwhelming power over our state of mind. We will be able to transcend through them, not let them interfere with our mood.  We will be able to choose what is necessary for us to choose and not let the choice affect our spirits.

The choices we make are important. But there is only choice that truly affects the level of our happiness - our choice to be happy. While the rest of our choices shape our lives, this one shapes our attitude.


Exercise: Remember the reason for wanting happiness and prioritizing it high.

Think about the questions below. Try not to give in to popular notions about happiness or the meaning of life. The hankering to be happy is for your own benefit, not anyone else's. So uncover your own personal ideas and notions, your personal answers.  

Is the importance and supremacy of happiness self evident to you? Are you convinced that being happy is your goal and priority?

If you believe so, look back on your life and remember what experiences and thoughts brought you to this conclusion?

How would you explain to your children that they should stay happy in any circumstances?

If something made you doubt your own priorities, would we be able to convince yourself again? How?

If you found yourself in an unfavorable situation, would you give in to the bad mood or be able remember to try to keep good attitude? What would it take for you to not only stay calm, but actually be positive - a quote? memories of past experience? thoughts of the future? the transience of life? thoughts of the divine? meditation? duty to your loved ones? duty to yourself?


* My post about setting priorities is here: http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/10/happiness-how-to-get-your-priorities.html

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Happiness Is a Skill

art by ~AmeNonDesiree

Our individuality is an intricate mix of character traits. Some attributes are inborn, others are acquired. Some are less changeable, while others may be more influenced by our upbringing, our circumstances, and our choice. Our personalities are also affected by the habits we form throughout our lives that are expressed through our behavior. And as we live through every day, we are also imperceptibly but invariably and constantly changing. This change may not be apparent in the span of a week or a month, but it is happening nonetheless, and because of it, we are not the same people at forty that we were at twenty, and still more different at sixty than we were at forty. The interplay of all of the above produces our unique personality, including the level of day-to-day happiness we feel.

Happiness is commonly thought of as an inborn feature, which cannot be taught or learned. However, the recent emergence of the science of positive psychology challenged this opinion. Renowned happiness psychologists such as Martin Seligman and Sonja Lyubomirsky believe that the level of our happiness is made up of several components. They estimate that it is about fifty percent our genetic capacity for happiness, about ten percent our circumstances, and the rest forty percent of our happiness level is made up by our voluntary control.

Thus, a large portion of our ability to feel happier depends on our own desire, choice, mindfulness, attitude toward outside circumstances, as well as our skills at being happy.

As a skill, being happy can be learned like any other skill. As we acquire knowledge and understanding about it, and as we consistently practice it, it becomes automatic.

Consider any skill you are good at, either physical or intellectual, such as walking, reading, writing, typing, driving a car, crocheting, cooking, dancing ballet en pointe, playing guitar, etc. It is difficult in the very beginning (if we can remember this far back), we cannot do it properly, we may even get frustrated, and dislike this skill. But if we continue practicing it, gradually we become able to exercise it without much thinking.

For example, think about the process of learning to speak a foreign language. Usually, we cannot just listen to it and begin speaking at once. In fact, when we start, we do not  begin with the speaking at all, but with learning of the basics, the building blocks - the letters, the sounds, the rules. We have to think about every word first, making mistakes with tenses and sentence structure. The more we practice, the faster it becomes automatic, thoughts translate into words, and sentences flow without our conscious effort. Speaking a foreign language fluently may take a year or ten years. Some people have a talent for it and can learn several languages rather easily. Others may struggle with this skill. But even they will speak well enough if they practice a lot.

Acquisition of any skill or trait follows the same pattern. First, we gather some knowledge about what that skill is and why we need to master it. Once we decide we need this skill, we first learn the theory about it. Then we practice it. In the beginning we must focus on the desired skill, thinking about every minor detail, exerting effort to get it right. We have to make a conscious effort to repetitively apply the body of knowledge we have. With repetition and the growth of our understanding, the skills become familiar, easy and even automatic. The skills we practice all the time become second nature.

art by ~myusernameisjenna
A character trait such as happiness in large part is also a product of repetitive behavior of a certain kind. We may have forgotten how we have gotten the way we feel and behave today, but little by little, we formed habits to automatically react with certain kinds of attitudes toward certain factors. As adults with formed personality, we observe the results - the set of our habitual attitudes and behaviors, our established mental outlook on life.

Happiness is not the only personality trait that can be managed. On the other end of our personality spectrum there is anger. Similarly to happiness, it is partially our disposition, partially an emotion that depends on our circumstances, partially an expression of our habits. Although it may be argued that some people are born predisposed to be more angry or more agreeable, there are anger management classes that successfully teach people how to take control of their anger. We can control our anger, if we put our minds to it. In the same way, we can learn to master our happiness.

People are born inclined toward some traits, and happiness comes easier to some than others, but it is a combination of nature and nurture. And we are in charge of nurture. Which means it can be taught, and should be taught, like a foreign language, starting from school and throughout our lives.