Happiness Paradoxes

art by ~ManoWar100, manipulated by olgarythm

Happiness is one of the most basic concepts that we know from childhood. But it is in no way simple or straightforward. It is intricate and deeply individual, it depends among other things on personality, upbringing, habits, psychological and neurological processes, and who knows what else!
I also find that it is rather prone to contradictions. Here are some happiness qualities that appear contradictory:
 

1. Autosuggestion

In the recent years, the happiness field is getting increasingly researched, offering more scientifically-supported findings. Happiness theories describe general rules and behavior trends. Curiously, however, it seems that individual happiness is consistent not with the  objective findings, but with our personal subjective believes. Whatever we deeply believe in, works. If you sincerely believe that selfishness is the key to happiness, it will work for you. If you are sure that selflessness brings happiness to you, then it will. If you know that faith and prayer will make you happy, then they will. If you feel that children make you happy, then they most probably will. So even though there are happiness theories, everyone becomes happy in their own way.

2. Agreeing Is Not Necessary

It does not matter if you agree or disagree with the contents of this post or any other materials on the happiness subject. It is still beneficial to read it all, because contemplating different ideas helps understand your own attitude better, whether you agree or not. It helps you crystalize who you are, become more self-aware and eventually, happier.

3. Intensely Seeking Happiness Precludes It

Happiness is basically the state of being in a good mood. For some people, thinking about their happiness levels only brings them down and sours their mood. Sometimes bringing the happiness issue too much from the unconscious reactions to consciousness actually diminishes the desired happiness level. I think it happens because we stress ourselves too much over not being as happy as we want, and that makes us even less happy with ourselves.

For others, however, thinking about happiness and formulating what it means opens their eyes to it and helps them focus on the right priorities in life.

4. The More We Use It, the More We Loose It

"Love is..." cartoon

Too often we encounter banal phrases and corny images of happiness, goodness, kindness, love, etc. They dilute the true meaning of these important concepts. Gradually, we become cynical about love, kindness and happiness, seeking some vulgar meanings and ulterior motives in them or disregarding them as cliches.

Though we contaminate some important concepts by using the same words to express both superficial, fake feelings and true deep emotions, we need to dig deeper, distinguish between them, and not let the corny ones cheapen or obliterate the true ones.

5. Pure Contradictions

It seems that happiness requires us to embrace and unite contradictions. For example, the notion that we are born predisposed to a certain level of happiness but may change it anyway. To be happier, we are supposed to be mindful but not pay too much attention to details; to feel contentment but want something else and have worthy goals in life; to have relationships with others but be self-sufficient; to pursue happiness but not think about it (see item 3 above).

There is no clear solution to how to have both. I guess, it is something that each of us has to practice.

6. Negativity Is Easier Than Positivity

Due to emotional laziness, for some of us it is easier to stay upset when we consider our circumstances bad, than to stay happy when we consider the circumstances good.  To me, it is the ultimate paradox, but I see too often how people readily get angry or upset at the slightest trigger, but ignore nice things altogether. 

7. Outside-in Versus Inside-out

A lot of things make us happy:  a sunny day, winning the lottery, someone being nice, well-behaved children, loving spouses, comfortable living, achieving goals, etc. The paradox is that to become truly happy, we have to somewhat disregard whatever happens to us (and influences our mood) and focus of the internal state of happiness. We should practice the capability to be happy without any triggers or, at the highest level of mastery, even despite negative events.

Here is another contradiction to ponder: possibly, by writing this post I got to understand happiness a little better and also became more confused…

Which Happiness Theory is the Right One?

When I became interested in the philosophy behind happiness, I went to a bookstore and looked at the self-help section. Although happiness did not take as many shelves as some other subjects, there were still many books about it. I was challenged by the available choices. Which one contains the key to the secret of the happy life? Which one will set me off on the right path to happiness?

On top of all this available material, I have this insistent desire to express my own thoughts on the subject, to write my own blog (and eventually a book) about happiness.

So I had to consider some valid questions. First: why should I write about happiness, if it was already covered by others? Second, what makes me knowledgeable enough to impart my opinions and solutions on others? Third (and I think the most important for anyone who just wants to be happy), which happiness theory is the right one and which are wrong, which should be studied and practiced and which can be disregarded?

There are many happiness theories: the hedonism theory, the desire theory, the objective list theory. Many people vouch to have obtained happiness through faith and/or religion, or through selflessness and dedication to a worthy cause, or through meditation and enlightenment, or through parenthood, or through helping others, or through close relationships. Some believe happiness can only be found when one belongs to a community, others insist happiness is strictly individual. Some theories propose specific steps to achieve happiness. Others insist that looking for happiness prevents us from getting it altogether.  Some say happiness is a skill to be learned and practice, others insist it is something with are born with and cannot change, still others believe it is the mix of both. All in all, the opinions are rather contradictory. Most astonishingly, there are many people who attest to the veracity of each one of them.

But I believe this wide diversity, even if somewhat frustrating in not offering one clear answer, makes sense. There are so many people, and we all are so very different and unique. People come from different societies with different cultures, traditions and beliefs. We come from different families and backgrounds with different parents and upbringing. We worship different gods. Individually, we have different natures, characteristics, habits, temperaments and dispositions. We consider happiness differently; it means something particular and unalike to each one of us. We have different worldviews.

Because of such variety in experiences and beliefs and cultural trends, philosophers put forth different theories that reflect these diverse worldviews. Happiness is not an exact science. It depends on personal experience and perception. Since we perceive all information through the lens of our worldview, we tend to like theories that are more agreeable with our own opinions and beliefs. For all the diversity of happiness theories, each one of them is confirmed by lots of supporting information. And there are people who resonate with each theory, making all of them valid for those people. It is the happiness paradox, what more, it is the paradox of life. Whatever somebody thinks up will work for someone, and therefore, will be their truth.

Even the common sense may not work for all. Common sense boils down to repetitive experience gained within similar conditions. But if the conditions change, the common sense ceases being that “common”. And boy, how rapidly the conditions change in the modern village of the world!

Any specialist, even the most experienced and respectable one, possesses only relative competency, limited by their own experiences and worldview. There is no truth here, only points of view. Therefore neither I, nor any of us can provide the “one size fits all” theory, methodology or set of rules on how to become happier. Our opinions on the truth are subjective. Whatever is good for one is bad for another. Different things will work for different people. One man’s meat is another man’s poison.

All of us seeking answers, trying to improve ourselves or helping others should operate from this knowledge. We should not feel obligated to do everything offered or feel inadequate if something does not work for us or just seems wrong.

I think this idea is beautifully illustrated by HSBC marketing campaign. It provides contrasting descriptions for similar images, demonstrating the understanding that the same phenomena perceived differently by different people, and thus, have to be dealt with in different fashions.

So because we are so unique, there cannot be the one recipe for happiness. But if there was, it would work just like a cooking recipe. Even with exactly the same ingredients and instructions, different cooks bake slightly different pies. Even baked by the same cook over and over again, each batch will be slightly different. Similarly, everyone learns how to write. But each of us ends up with unique writing style and a different penmanship.

There cannot be a universal instruction on how to be happier that will fit everyone or work without fail. Whichever theory is working is the right one. Specifically for the people it is working for. To each his own truth. To each his own happiness. To each his own valid theory.